This post is to all of you who are single. Single meaning those of you NOT married. Up to the point you say “I do”, things can change (they should not change after ‘I do’). So if you are waiting or dating right now…this post is to you.
This is MY story. Your story will be different to mine. The next person’s story will be different to yours. But one thing will be the same…your choices will affect your future. So whether these consequences are positive or negative are entirely up to you.
I was in no way forced not to date. I, of my own free will, decided it was not what I wanted. But I did have a lot of guy friends. I was asked out. I was given gifts. But I knew I wasn’t someone’s new pair of shoes that should be tried on. My convictions to remain pure – physically, emotionally and mentally, were what carried me through.
Between the time I turned 18 and the year I turned 22, it seemed all the guys that knew me suddenly decided to take a major interest in me. I knew I was out of school and that dating was permissible. So I came up with “my thing”. I told a guy I would have 1 cup of coffee with him. Little did he know what would follow…
Too many young people dare to be so unique and different that they all end up being exactly the same. Their social media is full of drama. They think they know it all. They have so much passion that they don’t allow wisdom to prevail in their decisions. They think they know what they want and end up grasping at the same thing everyone wants – to be heard, to be loved and to gain independency. Young people are getting lost in a sea of other people’s and societies’ opinions, that they rarely develop themselves.
So having said all that…these poor guys would take me for coffee. We would do the “tell me about yourself awkward moment” conversation. And that’s when I would strike. I might have been young but I always knew who I was and what I stood for. I was not ashamed to put it out there. I began by telling them, I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I was totally interested in friendship.I was busy studying and finding out who I was. Then would come my stand for purity and the finishing touch would be my love and passion for God.
Many guys sat staring at me while their coffee steamed up their glasses and eventually got cold. Next would be…”want to meet my dad?” – you see I wasn’t trying to hide. I wasn’t looking for some dark corner to go around. I wasn’t looking for some fulfillment to a part of me that I wasn’t fully ready to discover.
This is where I gained the respect of some and was rejected by most. The name calling and rumors started. I was called a weirdo, a lesbian and many other things that I would never type out. It hurt. A lot.
I began to feel the pangs of loneliness. All my other so called friends were “in love”. If only they understood the magnitutude of the consequences of awakening this part of themselves before they actually knew who they were. I would enter my adult life unscathed by the wounds of a so called love.
I began to question my convictions, my character and my expecations. Maybe I was stuck up? Maybe I was not being realistic? Maybe I wasn’t giving guys a chance? Maybe…just maybe I should lower my expectations?
Many nights I sobbed so hard that eventually the sound of crying would fade yet the tears ran down my cheeks so much so that my pillows were wet. I journaled all my feelings. When that didn’t work, I sometimes screamed into pillows. I hated being alone. I hated being different. I hated being picked on. Just a side note here…there were many positives about being single that I loved. But it’s not on the good days that we need strength…it’s on the days when questions and feeling seem to be screaming so loud that we just want to do whatever to keep them quiet – that’s when we need encouragement. This post is for the tough days.
I asked God one day, “What’s the point?” I mean I do everything by the book and yet everyone else seems to be coming off better than me. They all appeared happy. God didn’t answer me just yet. He would answer me while I was on holiday in the middle of nowhere.
I was left alone at a guest house with zero reception and no internet connection. I sat on the porch of this beautiful wooden guest house watching the birds. I asked God again what was the point of being single…He answered so clearly…
1. Too many single people complain of not having enough time. It’s only because they waste it on unnecessary “priorities”. They complain so much yet I have heard few speak of how wonderful their relationship is with Me…
2. Why would you date someone else’s husband? Would you let someone else unwrap your birthday or Christmas gift? Would you like to receive something that is torn or barely functioning?
3. Teen years and early adulthood are for discovering who you are and what you were created to do. It’s not for accumulating as many distorted “love ideals” and shattering dreams that haven’t even had a chance to grow.
4. Don’t cut the process of becomingTHE right person for YOUR right person short. Develop yourself for that special person. No one wants to marry a baby or immature person.
I suddenly realized that my need to love needed to be accompanied by my willingness to love. I needed to stop being selfish. I needed to focus on becoming that special person, not only on finding him.
This is where the journey of strength really begins. It takes strength to be honest with yourself and face the realities of growth…the areas where selfishness and self gratification abound. It takes strength to choose to live right. It takes strength to learn that a person won’t fill the void of loneliness (ask anyone who is married to the wrong person or at the wrong time). It takes strength to learn to love yourself. It takes strength to learn to be confident on your own. It takes strength to discover the real you. Being single isn’t for sissies. It develops character. It develops the you that a very special person out there needs. Singlehood doesn’t last forever. Enjoy it! Embrace it! Live it!
I might have a great life but I paid for my life lessons. I didn’t cut the process short. I earned the stripes on my shoulders. The end to this is – 8 months later I shook the hand of the man who would become my wonderful husband. Little did I know. Timing is so important. Let yourself develop because you want to be the best for your special person.
If you are single…ask yourself, “How can I become that special person?” Keep strong. You will not be alone forever – don’t allow your season of development to be twisted into loneliness.
And if you are dating – and you know you have no intention of marrying the person you are with…ask yourself – “Do I want someone else to spoil what will be the most precious gift to me?” Don’t waste someone else’s time or hurt them if you know you are not “the one”. P.S. You will know if you’re the one of not!
My heart for you is that all you special young people out there will experience the joy and fulfillment of real and true love in all its fullness.
From my heart to yours…stay strong!